Coping With Grief and Loss
Photo by Leonie Clough on Unsplash
“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.”
~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Our psyches — the part of our minds that holds our deepest thoughts, feelings, and beliefs — are amazing. They take many steps to protect us, often outside of our awareness.
One of the ways our psyches protect us from emotional pain is through the use of defense mechanisms.
I’ve written about defense mechanisms often on this blog, including in this post, because I believe that understanding them can help us learn more about ourselves and each other.
One of my friends who is grieving the loss of her family member mentioned in a recent visit that she is purposely compartmentalizing to get herself through the early days and weeks. She asked if I had written about the topic, and I realized I had not. So here goes...
Defense mechanisms are typically unconscious strategies whereby people protect themselves from anxious thoughts or feelings.
One notable exception is suppression, which represents a conscious decision not to think about something upsetting.
During the early stages of grief, we can be so overwhelmed with our pain that it can get in the way of our daily activities. Hopefully, our loved ones, friends, and coworkers understand, and give us some space to mourn. But modern life doesn’t allow us to spend too many days not being able to function. We have people and things to attend to.
At times, our only option is to set aside our feelings and focus on the tasks at hand.
The method by which we suppress unwanted feelings is by compartmentalizing our thoughts. As defined in this Psychology Today article, compartmentalization helps us “separate conflicting thoughts, emotions, or experiences” into different mental boxes to avoid emotional discomfort.
We all use it every time we set aside one thought, especially a worrisome or upsetting one, to think about something else.
It brings to mind Scarlett O'Hara's famous line, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow," from the classic 1939 film Gone with the Wind. Scarlett uses compartmentalization to help her cope whenever she is overwhelmed with the harsh realities of life after the Civil War.
Although defense mechanisms can be very helpful in the short run, if overused, they can cause us problems.
Some people, especially those who have experienced serious trauma, believe they can lock disturbing memories away forever in a mental vault so secure they can never be harmed by them again. Unfortunately, suppressed memories can and often do still affect us without us realizing it. Left unprocessed, they can lead to severe anxiety, panic attacks, and physical symptoms.
Similarly, we’ve all heard about people who get stuck in grief. No matter how long it’s been, they just can’t seem to move on. This happens when they are unable to process what has occurred and make some sense of it. Their defenses are in overdrive, and won’t let up to allow them to recover. In these situations, a competent therapist can help immensely.
Here are two of my prior posts on grief that may also be helpful:
Dig Deep for True Emotional Healing
Psychologists agree that to be emotionally healthy, we need to incorporate all of our life experiences, positive and negative, into our awareness so we can process them and heal. In fact, this is one of the main goals of psychotherapy — to “make the unconscious conscious” as Freud’s influential student Carl Jung said, so we can resolve our internal conflicts.
As anyone who has been through loss knows, it’s not possible to cry out all our sadness at one time and be done with it. Grief comes in waves, often when we least expect it. A photo or song can trigger a memory and bring tears to our eyes. But typically, over time, the waves become less frequent and less intense. Rather than focus on the circumstances of the death, especially if it is sudden, over time we move towards gratitude that we had our loved one in our lives, and are able to access happy memories of our times together.
To experience grief in a healthy way requires a balance of the expression of our deep pain when time allows it, and the suppression of that feeling, at least for a time, when we need to focus on our daily responsibilities.
The fact that my friend is aware that she is compartmentalizing is a good sign. She’s not denying her intensely sad feelings, but she’s choosing to set her pain aside at times to give herself a break from them. This is a healthy form of self-care.
If you’re suffering from loss, know that it’s okay to cry when you need to, but also to take a break from your grief at times to find some moments of joy among the living. As Scarlett exclaims at the end of the film, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
Affectionately,
Elaine