The Power of a Smile
Photo by Paperkites on iStock
“You’re never fully dressed without a smile.”
~ Little Orphan Annie
Most writers are natural observers of people. The same is true for those of us interested in psychology.
My powers of observation have increased this year since I’ve been focused on screenwriting. The film I’m working on is a romance, which necessitates an understanding of couples, how they relate, and especially how they speak to each other.
It’s amazing the variability in couples’ interactions.
Some are so loving, with a natural give and take and a desire to please each other that’s evident to those around them. They seem to work together in a natural rhythm.
Others, even those who have been together for a long time, appear to be at odds with each other more often than not. There’s a push and pull between them, each defending themselves and their behaviors.
The first are a joy to behold. They make us feel happy just watching them.
The latter are more difficult to be around. The tension between them makes us uncomfortable.
One of the things I’ve noticed about the more congenial couples is that they smile at each other more.
Even when one of them is venting about the other’s foibles, they do it in a light, teasing manner.
Each of us has preferences about how we like things done. When we explain to our partners that we don’t like the way they load the dishwasher or we’re sick of their favorite pajama pants, if our frustration is obvious, it can come across as disdain.
Tense communication can take a toll on the relationship.
Personal barbs hurt, and their effect is damaging and cumulative. Over time, couples who have a lot of friction may begin to wonder if there’s anything they do like about each other.
When we choose our partners, we unconsciously hope to be valued, and treasured, for who we are.
The deeper we love, the more we feel rejected when spoken to harshly.
When I was a psychology student at NC State, a literature professor explained that long-term marriages often morph into what he called “affectionate companionships.” At the time, I didn’t like the phrase. I wanted romance! And excitement! Affectionate companionship sounded terribly boring. But the older I get, the more I realize that he was onto something.
When voicing our concerns, affectionate, good-natured ribbing, done with a smile or a wink, gets our point across without wounding our loved ones. Teasing and laughing together about our quirks can be an antidote to frustration.
These days, so many of us are chronically on edge, which means we may have to work a bit harder to keep our irritation with each other at bay.
Saying something with a smile takes the sting out of our message, allowing our partners to more easily accept our request for a behavior change. A sheepish grin on their part that acknowledges our point may be all it takes for us to feel heard. We’re all drawn to people who smile a lot. Some people do it naturally. Others with more serious demeanors have to work a bit harder at it.
As with any of the personality traits we discuss on this blog, I think it’s possible to evolve as we keep higher goals in mind. During the pandemic, over five years ago now, I wrote a post entitled “Make Room for Love” on that topic. In it, I explained, “Especially when we get stressed, as most of us are now, it’s easy to imagine if our partners only did things our way, our lives would be fine. In reality, most of the time, it’s our thinking about our partner’s behaviors that causes most of our frustration.
Four of my closest friends have lost loved ones this year. It’s been heartbreaking. Confronting death causes us to reflect on the importance of relationships and the joys they bring to our lives. I’m sure each of them would give anything to experience one of their companions’ irritating behaviors if only they could have their loved one back again.
If you’ve found yourself voicing your frustrations with your spouse or partner too often, especially about relatively minor issues, it may be time to take stock and think about how you are approaching them.
None of us are perfect, and we all have our days. Relationships are challenging.
Still, if we set an intention to pause, temper our emotion, and address our relationship issues with a bit of humor, we’re more likely to be effective and to sustain a loving relationship for the long haul.
Check out this fascinating article about the emotional and behavioral contagion of smiles. According to the author, Dr. David Hamilton, “Happiness actually spreads up to what’s known as 3 degrees of separation.” According to the long-term study he references, smiles beget smiles, brightening not only our moods, but the moods of those around us, including our partners.
To get you started smiling more, here’s a fun video of the song “You’re never fully dressed without a smile” that was a 2014 promo for the remake of the beloved musical Annie. I love how quickly the unsuspecting folks in the video change their demeanor when prompted to by the young people, who are clearly on a mission.
Were you smiling by the time you finished watching it?
Affectionately,
Elaine