Reframing Failure

Photo by Anna Bass

“When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.”
~ Eloise Ristad

In recent years, I have read the suggestion by a number of different spiritual advisors that in order to avoid being so affected by our feelings, we simply “watch” them pass by like we watch the clouds pass in the sky. Here is a beautiful mindfulness meditation on the concept.

I like visuals like this one that give us an easy way to remember psychological concepts. I thought of it a few days ago on a particularly bright and sunny afternoon, without a cloud in sight. Suddenly, it got very windy and dark clouds rolled in. We had a huge, frightening storm that almost had us seeking cover in our safe space in our house. Within the hour, the storm passed, the skies cleared, and we were back to the bright, sunny day we’d started with.

The weather is an apt metaphor for the capricious nature of our feelings, and the speed at which they can change. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it.

Try paying attention to your self-talk during the course of one day. Early in the day, it might sound like this:

I’m capable, I have good ideas, I can do this!

You may be feeling optimistic, and ready to take on the world.

Later, as you become tired and frustrated, your tone may change:

I’m behind, I’m overwhelmed, I’m failing.

This week I learned a unique way to reframe failure for the times when we feel like we’re not measuring up. It was in an interview with therapist and author Amy Morin, who described how she helps people work through pessimistic feelings. “[Clients] told me they flunked out of college or they had a relationship that didn't work out...I told them how to think about it not as a failure but as I tried that, and it wasn't for me. So, I tried something else.”

Looking at failure this way can soften the blow dramatically. Amy suggests that “instead of seeing a failure as a burden weighing you down, look at it as a stepping stone toward your goals.”

In my own line of work, I often hear about authors and screenwriters who suffered dozens or hundreds of rejections before striking gold. If we can train ourselves to do what Amy suggests, and use her tips for coping with failure, we will not get so deflated, potentially sabotaging our own goals. Rather, we will instead see ourselves as one step farther along our path.

Trying often involves failing, at least at first. But that trying may be one of the most important keys to our success.

Too often, we measure our worth in terms of productivity and career achievement, and we want to climb straight up that ladder. It’s an easy trap to fall into. But progress is not always linear. For most people it’s full of fits and starts. We have to allow room for experimentation with the knowledge that not everything will work out. “Failure is a side-effect of life” says my psychoanalyst friend Claudia Luiz, as I discuss in one of my previous posts.

I have several friends and relatives looking for jobs right now, a difficult task in the best of times. One friend and I discussed the paradox that we don’t always know if we will like something until we try it. We can’t predict the future so sometimes we just have to take a chance. We can try, and then course correct when something isn’t working. Of course, once we do find our path, in order to achieve our dreams we do have to stay on it and work hard.

 Our reward is what we get to tell ourselves when we finally celebrate our success:

Well done, you!

Affectionately,

Elaine