How to Console a Friend

Photo by Beyza Yurtkuran on Unsplash

“Good friends help you to find important things when you have lost them… your smile, your hope, and your courage.” 
~ Doe Zantamata

How do you typically cheer your friends up when they’re feeling down?

Do you encourage them to look on the bright side, suggest they try to be grateful for the good things in their lives, or attempt to make them laugh? Or do you employ what I call “at least” statements? (“At least you only spilled half your coffee on yourself.” “At least there was just rain and not snow on your wedding day.”)                

When we use these approaches, our intent is certainly good. We mean well. But, in doing so, our goal is to try to shift our friends’ moods to a sunnier one as quickly as possible. We believe we’re doing this for their benefit, but without knowing it, we may also be doing it for our own.

Others’ negative emotions are uncomfortable for many of us; the sooner we can turn their moods around, the more at ease we feel.

Some of these surface forms of consolation are fine for the times when our friends are just a little out of sorts. We might be able to tease or cajole them out of their funk. But for the times when they’re really upset, it’s best to use a different tactic.

One approach that almost always works is simply listening, because it actually addresses the underlying issue.

When people are experiencing strong, negative emotions, it’s important for them to be able to actually feel them rather than to stuff them down. Psychologists call this sitting with the feeling.

It takes time for feelings to rise up to the surface and into our conscious awareness. One therapist I know likens the process to the way bubbles rise in a glass of champagne. It’s healthy to give ourselves adequate time to process our feelings and start to name them. At that point, we may feel ready to call someone to voice what we’re experiencing and receive validation.

The expression of our feelings out loud with a caring person allows us to process and decipher them further, which often reduces their intensity.

As strong emotions begin to dissipate (similar to the way champagne bubbles pop), we are able to think more clearly about our situation and what we need to do about it. We may decide we can let an issue go at that point, or we may decide we need to take some action.

Either way, when we are listened to without interruption, we are usually able to come to some kind of resolution.

Unfortunately, too often when we hear our friends say they’re feeling down, even before they get a chance to explain or elaborate, we jump right in and try to cheer them up. Realizing our good intent, they may give us a polite smile in response, but chances are, we haven’t actually made them feel better.

In our efforts to lift our friends’ spirits, we often miss the one step that can actually help them the most.

One simple tweak — changing the order of the interaction — can make all the difference.

When we try to perk others up before they’re ready, without meaning to, we send them the message that it’s not okay to feel down.

I’ve written in a prior post about the active listening technique that most therapists employ. It has to do with not only listening to what a person is saying (the content of their message) but also paying attention to how they appear to be feeling (their observable body language and demeanor). Then the therapists respond first to their clients’ emotional state rather than to the problem per se. “You seem to really be bothered by that comment your cousin made about your job.”

Although it might initially feel awkward, with some practice, we can learn to employ active listening with our friends.  

After we listen and respond to their feelings, offer validation, and wait for some of the intensity of their emotion to dissipate, then we may find that the more common tactics for brightening their mood can work.

At that point, they may be ready for a big hug, a walk, or a glass of bubbly. :)

Most of us care deeply about our friends when they’re struggling and want to support them. By setting aside our discomfort for just a little bit and listening to their woes first before trying to boost their spirits, we’ll be much more likely to help them feel better.

Know that I appreciate your desire to help others, and to learn new, more effective ways to do so!

 Affectionately,

Elaine