The Benefits of Sympathetic Joy

“Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s amazing how easy it is to get fooled in today’s climate of disinformation, isn’t it? This week I saw a meme on Facebook about “freudenfreude,” which is supposedly a German word that has to do with “taking joy in someone else’s joy.” Maybe you’ve seen it too.

Except when I started to research it for this post, I found that there is no such German word, at least according to this German language expert in his post on Slate.com. Apparently, a New York Times article where the concept was touted had to be retracted. The manufactured “German word” had become an urban legend of sorts, possibly elevated by Brené Brown’s use of it in her popular book Atlas of the Heart.

Still, it’s an interesting concept. In researching it, I came across the term sympathetic joy, sometimes called empathic joy. This is the real psychological term for an aspect of relationships that is increasingly being researched.

A few weeks ago, in my post “It’s Not a Contest,” I mentioned that it’s not necessary or even helpful to compare ourselves to others too often or in too many arenas.

But what if we take that concept even further?

Instead of simply refraining from feeling like we’re constantly up against others, what if we allow ourselves to be genuinely happy for them in their good fortune?

Certainly, we often feel joy for others, especially loved ones (as when a niece gets accepted by her preferred college or a friend gets a good health report as happened in my world this week). There are circumstances where it’s not hard to celebrate others, especially if their gain does not mean some kind of loss for us. When it does, however, as when we feel personally threatened, or are unhappy in our own lives, it’s much more difficult to conjure up those positive feelings for others.

A surprising fact emerging from the research is that sympathetic joy is good for us.

Using magnetic imaging, scientists are able to detect the areas of our brains that light up when we’re having certain experiences. When we take joy in someone else’s joy, the pleasure centers in our brains activate in similar ways to when we are feeling joy ourselves, explains the writer of this Greater Good article. Moreover, he says, being happy for others can make us more compassionate, improve our personal relationships, and result in better outcomes on the job, according to the research.

Even so, it can be a tall task to extend positive feelings for others’ situations. Our own anxieties and frustrations can get in the way. It’s difficult to appeal to our higher selves when we’re feeling “less than.”

But like many other psychologically healthy behaviors, sympathetic joy can be cultivated with practice.

It involves a change of perspective—and giving more credence to our values than our initial reactions. It means putting our needs aside just for a moment so we can celebrate with others.

Imagine you are having a bad day, but then you hear your favorite upbeat song come on the radio (like this fun cover of Pharrel Williams’ song “Happy”). Think about how quickly your mood can change, even though nothing about your circumstance has changed.

We can learn not only to be more gracious to someone when we hear their good news, but to genuinely feel elated for them.

We are better able to make these kinds of mental shifts and get ourselves to a more positive place than what we give ourselves credit for. The insightful Greater Good article I mentioned has some tips for improving your ability to “take joy in the joy of others.”

I can attest to this learning curve. Freelance writers who pitch to magazines regularly receive rejections; it comes with the territory. So when folks in our writers group share their success stories in our Google group, it can pinch a bit, especially for newbies, who are so anxious to sell articles. But I have witnessed my own evolution on this, and have seen it in others. Our founder has always encouraged everyone to talk about their publishing news, good or bad, knowing that a win for one of us is a win for all. (This turns out to be true, as once one of us establishes a relationship with an editor, it makes it easier for others in the group to sell stories to that same editor.) We also know that when it’s our turn, our buddies will celebrate or commiserate with us, and we appreciate it. The positive environment, where support for others is the norm, is motivating. Over the years it has cemented our bond, and has kept the envy at bay.

Many of us are sympathetic to our friends and relatives when they fall on hard times. But if you’re curious to see where you fall on the continuum of sympathetic joy, you can take this quiz.

The next time you hear good news from someone else, pause for a moment to acknowledge your own disappointment or envy, but then see if you can move beyond it to genuinely celebrate them. You might just feel better for it.

Affectionately,

Elaine