How Relationship Repair Rebuilds Trust

Photo by Artem Balashevsky om Unsplash

“It’s not a person’s mistakes which define them, it’s the way they make amends.”
~ Freya North

As hard we try to do the right thing in life, we all mess up on occasion. Certain times of life can make us more likely to behave badly towards others: our teenage years, when we’re struggling with addiction or mental health issues, during menopause or a mid-life crisis.

Even when there is a reason we can point to for our unkind words or actions, it doesn’t mean they don’t cause harm.

When we make mistakes in our relationships, we can unintentionally hurt those we love, sometimes very badly. At these times, the onus is on us to do what psychologists call a repair.

None of us like to be in the wrong — it can bring up really uncomfortable feelings of guilt and shame. It’s often difficult to acknowledge our role in upsetting others. As a result, we develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from those negative feelings. Those defenses can sometimes get in the way of us taking the appropriate steps to make amends.

When we realize we’ve messed up — or more likely, when someone has brought it to our attention — it’s human nature to want to get things back to normal as soon as possible. But a quick mea culpa is often not enough for the person we’ve harmed. Along with hurt feelings, they may also be struggling with the breach of trust, at least as they perceive it. A deep injury may cause them to become wary of us, questioning our intentions. They may no longer be able to see us the same way.

An effective repair, which goes well beyond a simple apology, can go a long way toward mending a relationship and restoring trust.

The problem is that many of us were not taught how to make things right with others after we messed up. If it wasn’t modeled in our family, we may not have learned how. In previous generations it was not common for parents to apologize to children, so we may never have been on the receiving end of an interaction that made us feel better after a rift. More likely, we learned to “get over it” and move past it on our own.

As adults, without realizing it, we may have transferred that same expectation to others.

In Hallmark movies, typically after the miscommunication that occurs during the midpoint in the film for heightened drama, the character in the wrong will often say, “I’ve apologized. I don’t know what more I can do.”

But the thing is, there typically is more one can do. Repairing relationships requires vulnerability, intention, and commitment.

After issuing a sincere apology, it’s important to address the trust issue. You’ll need to ask your loved one what steps they need you to take to regain their confidence and restore the connection between you.

Typically, it’s steady, consistent action over time that shows our intention to set things right.

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Now let’s talk about when the shoe is on the other foot.

Several friends and I have been discussing the growing advice from therapists and influencers on the internet about cancelling toxic people. The need to set firm boundaries and remove oneself from the stress of conflicts that seem unresolvable is understandable, However, I think the recommendation to go “no contact” is only appropriate in unique situations where nothing we’ve tried has worked. For example, with people in our lives who persist in being emotionally abusive without remorse.

Instead, in many cases of relationship friction, an honest discussion, however uncomfortable, is in order.

Rather than discard a relationship entirely, it’s better to first give others an opportunity to repair if they are willing to. You may be surprised at their desire to set things right once they understand the harm they’ve done.

This article explains how to let others know what you need when they have offended you.

If they are able to show compassion for your pain, and apologize sincerely, then the work is on your end to try to forgive them when you are ready.

“Pain and heartache are inevitable in any type of relationship. It’s the repair work that matters. That’s where the rubber meets the road,” says the writer of this insightful article.

In long-term relationships, this iterative process of messing up, apologizing, and forgiving each other out of genuine love and respect allows us to reconnect with our loved ones time and time again.

Hopefully, it creates a deeper bond over time as we learn to accept each other’s faults and decide to love each other anyway.

Although this week in February is dedicated to couple love, keep in mind that these repair concepts apply to all our relationships, not just our romantic ones.

Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Affectionately,

Elaine